I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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