The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
