I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
