I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize