Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
