you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
