eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
