did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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