So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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