God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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