I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
