Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
