also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize