i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
