so that wasnt chicken after all
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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