Ambien. No doubt about it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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