so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
