So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ketchup is God's man juice
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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