He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
BRING THE BAGELS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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