my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
