I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
