I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
