Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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