I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
