i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
