I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
