You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
