he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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