I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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