I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
