I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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