Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
