I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
