i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Randomize
