I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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