he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
