took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
