Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
