and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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