oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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