oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
