Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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