someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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