I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
