felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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