one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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