believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
