I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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