Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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