i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
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