Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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