haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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