is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
