cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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