I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
