I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
