My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
