I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
