Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
