woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
