Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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